RocKwiz divas? Here’s the full backstage tour rider!

Have RocKwiz really turned into a bunch of prima donnas?

The Daily Telegraph reckons Julia Zemiro wants ABBA piped into the dressing room and “three-hand washed lettuce.” Brian Nankervis refuses to go onstage without a full Sri Lankan tea service. Spicks and Specks would be horrified!

Roadie Dugald has had it with their demands on the 2012 RocKwiz Some Kind Of Genius Live Tour currently criss-crossing the country.

It’s not exactly April 1st, but TV Tonight gets the skinny on the backstage tour rider now disclosed!

Julia …
*Allergy-free Yoga mats (one for pre show preparation, one for post show wind down) Made from Rajasthani organic hemp.
*Aged Evian bottled water (x4) Sealed. Chilled to the temperature of a villa in Antibes, Provence, in early spring.
*Three hand washed lettuce leaves. Iceberg.

Brian …
*One pound of Sri Lankan small leaf tea, grown at an altitude of 2,200 metres, harvested during a full moon, rolled on circular brass tables in the Sabaragamuwa province.
*One pkt. of CHEDS
*One carrot. Crisp.

James …
*Twice cooked beer battered goat cheek.
*Tapanade from olives grown on the south west slope of Mount Olympus.
*One pkt of SALADAS with multiple Kraft cheese slices.

Mark Ferrie …
*Salon standard moustache trimming equipment.
*Reversible Icelandic home-spun alpaca beanie
*Barrel-aged single-malt Armangac with 6 ten ounce tumblers and ice from running waters of a Nordic fjord.

Peter Luscombe …
*Egyptian styled marquee with full sized boxing ring and female Irish sparring partners.
*Six polka dot bath towels. Navy blue and white. Fluffy. Folded. Warm.
*One pkt of JATZ crackers

Linda and Vika Bull …
*Full Tongan banquet including chilled otai, twice braised and thrice buttered yams, baked bread fruit and kava cocktails.

Ashley Naylor …
*The touring member of the RocKwiz Orchestra seems oblivious to the power of his position and has simply requested a can of diet coke to be left beside his amplifier.

Dugald …
????

There is obviously one name conspicuously absent from this bizarre list of demands, which may give close observers some idea as to the source of the leaked information. Dugald is currently holidaying on a house boat on the Nile with limited internet access.

From the desk of Dugald McAndrew

Dear Brizer

Doogs here mate. I reckon we need to have a word. Things are out of control. Off the rails. Everyone’s acting like prima donnas. On the last tour I was respected. My opinion was valued. I was sought out to give counsel. Now with a couple of weeks of a tour under their belt the “artistes” (I use the term loosely) reckon they’ve got the caper sussed. You included.

Julia wants ABBA piped into her meditation/yoga room. Lucky is demanding only the brown M and Ms, Mark wants to travel in a chauffer driven Citroen 2CV and James is refusing to perform in venues without multiple baby Steinways. They all want slow cooked ox cheeks before the show and Heston Blumenthal’s deep fried moss with truffle oil for supper! And Brian … quite frankly, your exotic tea ceremony peccadillos are getting a little out of hand.

The Chisel tour was a walk in the park compared to this. All Don and Barnsie ask for is a bottle of passiona and a head band and as long as I get the muzzles on Mossy’s cats, he’s pretty relaxed. Have a word mate, have a word.

Doogs. Loading out somewhere.

PS: Festival Hall in Melbourne? Really?

On the other hand, it could all just be a ploy to get some media coverage and flog a few more tickets that you can buy here (and you really should).

9 Comments:

  1. pahmer…this one is a joke..but most stories are true. Google ‘diva demands’ and similar. The M&M’s thing was justified as the band wanting to be sure that due attention was being paid to all issues. If they found brown M&M’s then they knew their contract etc hadn’t been read properly and they needed to check bigger issues of safety etc.

    But some artists have demanded hotel floors evacuated, oxygen tanks (Meatloaf and others), different masseurs and the requests for very precise food and drinks are actually pretty typical.

  2. I am sure it has to be a joke. Come on, three washed lettuce leaves? Like what for? I don’t understand celebrities who think they are that important, they can have their whims catered too. Why don’t people who do incredible things in life ask for this? Can you imagine a neurosurgeon saying, “hey, just before I start this operation, I want 19 blue peanut M & Ms, half a bottle of Fanta, and a 1000 thread count towel to wipe my hands on?”…… These celeb, “I want, I want” stories just seem to bizarre to be true.

  3. Ah…cheers David. Mind you, how do you wash lettuce unless you do it by hand? Even one of those salad spinner things is sorta by hand. I like warm towels though.

    My favourite diva request was the M and M one. Van Halen demanded M&M’s with all the brown ones removed. There was a decent logic to it. But another band then created a demand for only brown M&M’s. I can’t remember who that second band was….someone is bound to know.

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